Do you know how to swim?

I'll confess, I still don't.

Earlier today, I was tracking all my dreams regarding my career from when I was young. Very young. A journey which I thought would make an interesting read.

I vaguely remember, in about the 3rd or 4th grade, telling my uncle that I want to be a deep sea diver. And I remember that by then the dream was carefully formulated, at least a year old. The reasons I think were multiple. First, an excess of National Geographic and The Discovery Channel led to a love of wildlife. Then, vivid photographs in "The Big Book of Knowledge", a quite beautiful book, drew me to underwater wildlife.

When I was young, I have been to the Savannah on a Safari, though I recollect very little, a pride of lions here, an elephant there, peering into a far away water body to find something moving; mere flashes mainly. Watching these channels later, I was able to appreciate the magnitude of my life experience at that young age, but it also brought with it the feeling of "been there, done that", so terrestrial wildlife was not an option.

Another story I remember vividly, related to wanting to be a deep-sea diver again, is the origin of the large collection of sea-shells my family possesses. Having lived in Tanzania for a bit, (thus enabling the Savannah trip), my father brought back some exquisite Ivory carvings and a large number of quite beautiful sea-shells. Again, I vividly remember asking the same uncle how they brought these shells and from where, to which he replied that people specifically dive underwater with fancy equipment and find these in shallow ocean, something that thoroughly fascinated me.

This dream was shattered when, one day after enthusiastically describing the things I would dive and see to my father, he cryptically asked me, "Do you know how to swim?" A crestfallen, little me saw all my dreams come crashing, as the answer to the question was a negatory.

My next dream was to be an environmentalist. I can't quite remember how it all started, though I do remember being part of a play for Earth Day in 5th grade. Somehow I felt it would be becoming of me to be the green crusader who would single-handedly save the earth from certain doom with a few well planted trees and closing taps everywhere. It even got serious when, around the 8th grade, I searched online for various colleges around the world that offered courses in Environmental Sciences or Environmental Engineering, but the dream suddenly faded away, I can't put my finger on why or when.

In the bigger picture, I'm not sure if it is just me or the world as a whole, but the environmental issue seems to have fallen by the wayside off late. Or maybe it was just that the emphasis on this issue was quite large in my school.

Over the next years, it was Aeronautical Engineering. My father, knowing some of the right people, arranged tours of the HAL factory in Bangalore and then, in tenth grade, a dream trip to the Sukhoi factory in Nashik! The Su-30 Mki was at that time the most advanced fighter jet operated by the Indian Air Force (probably still is) and it was an absolute dream to see the planes being assembled, piece by piece, bit by bit. Here, I thought I met my destiny.

National Geographic played a part here too, the amazing "Air Crash Investigation" series was a huge factor in getting me interested in planes. At a point of time, by simply looking I could identify most aircrafts of the Indian Air Force, and all the famous ones from around the world. I even knew the difference between Boeing 737-700 and Boeing 737-900, though it's long gone from my memory now. Again, with this dream, I simply cannot put my hand on why or where this dream faded away, though it is so recent. An innate fascination with planes remains, though.

After this point, everything is a blaze. A short flirtation with the idea of being an author or a journalist apart, I was quite clear that the research dream was the highest. It was at this point I spoke to a cousin of mine, who suggested that Engineering would be a great way to get into Physics Research. Mechanical Engineering was a brief thought for a few months before I got too busy studying to be dreaming.

And then it all happened suddenly. At a Science quiz, the answer to a question was Richard Feynman, and I had never heard his name before. I was ashamed of myself, having considered myself until then to be a knowledgeable student of physics, my favourite subject for a long time in school. With this at the back of my mind, I came across the name Feynman again in a textbook on physics, decided I'd had enough, and went on to Google "Richard Feynman".

In a couple of weeks, I was watching the Feynman lectures, reading about the history of Classical Mechanics, starting from Tycho Brahe, Kepler and wondering about the mysteries of the cosmos. Coupled with the TV show Big Bang Theory, which prompted me to Google String Theory and Loop Quantum Gravity, soon I was a relative Physics aficionado.

Then a family friend of mine, also a school senior, told me about the Science institute he was just passing out off, where you could directly get an MS in 5 years straight out of school, with primary focus on research, and it felt like the stars aligned to break this news to me at the right time, the perfect culmination of years of dreams; and I had finally found the one that fit.

Right now, the Physics research dream has stood for a couple of years. And I suppose it will stand forever, given how much I love it right now, but who is to know.

Maybe if school was a year longer, a career in Physics might have just been another dream that flitted in and flitted out of my mind. Perhaps all our lives are that way, we think many things are meant to be, but it's all circumstance and timing, when you have to take the decision and what you're thinking at that instant. Perhaps the circumstance and timing are things meant to be.

Then there's the added aspect of impulsive decisions, a little something that suddenly catches your attention; a colourful advertisement, an overheard conversation, subtle stimuli are all around. It's impossible to know why you're drawn to something. It is best to simply go with it, nothing is in our control anyway.

Testing Times

It was almost in a canter that I arrived at the exam hall, unaware that such complacence was misplaced given the speed at which the clock was ticking and how close it was to the starting time. As I laid my bag down outside the hall, I heard the fatal ring of the bell signalling the beginning of the exam.

Having been brought up to believe that being late for any event was an affront to humanity, a lack of punctuality always makes my conscience churn, though with age and an increased ability to rationalise, the churning is getting easier and easier to ignore.

There is something beautiful about a room where an exam has just began; the silence is pristine, there is none of the otherwise tangible pre-exam apprehension in the air which invariably rubs onto you and you are whisked to your seat as if you are an extremely important person. You don't have to wait anxiously for the question paper and answer sheet and you can put your head down and begin writing immediately.

The fact that it was the last exam after an entire week of exams on consecutive days had left me in a bend of mind that was sunny enough to think of these profundities as I was escorted to my seat.

Two hours later, the world seemed aglow, resplendent and full of endless possibilities. The hardest task ahead was to plan how much I would sleep, with "the more the merrier" being the answer that won out in the end, a true no-brainer if there ever was.

Then it struck. All the rosiness vanished, all the dreams faded and my world came crashing down. The planned slumber was not to be - other tasks awaited. A chunk of the work for a magazine whose responsibility was mine still remained. My Physics Lab notebook still looked like it wouldn't write itself, despite all my prayers. I had to talk to my parents and sisters, after a week of reduced correspondence due to the exams. My tickets for a weekend trip home had to be booked. All that had been put away to the "after exams" time frame came back to haunt me big time.

There is something definitively gloomy about entering your room and not finding your roommate there; a partner to share the joy of the ending of exams with you. Even though one of us entering the room is punctuated with a casual Hi!, I am always genuinely thrilled to see him, and I would hope the feeling is mutual. Though our room seems like it is silent apart from two laptops running and keyboard keys being keyed, in hindsight, the amount of conversation is in fact very large, often very deep.

And so, with the whole whole post-exam workload, when I walked in to find my roommate sleeping so peacefully, the injustice of it all struck. The constant workload, the immense responsibility you take upon yourself to no avail, the plethora of tasks that for some reason, are always at your doorstep, your blog that has to be updated; all of it!

I will fight it, I thought to myself, prove that the world is simply giving me my due while I lag behind, procrastinating, excusing myself, distracting myself and eventually paying the price.

All the thinking made me tired, and before long, I was asleep, as blissfully as my beloved roomie. Good times, I say!