Uncertainty

After the efficacy of cute merchandise towards expressing sentiment, vacation is probably the most over-rated entity on this planet. At least it seems so at the age of 18 after the longest haul of studies, studies and more studies. Yes, we all know it, preparation for the exam to gain admission into the "prestigious" Indian Institute of Technology, or IIT, easily the most used acronym from my vocabulary over the past couple of years.

In the middle of the grind, one often wishes to be transported in time to the days immediately following the exam. Early June was the favourite choice then. But as things turned out, if indeed time-travel were possible, then that would have been quite a horrid choice.

The fantasies of how my holidays following some insanely draining work occupied a majority of my upper-storey. And in what came as a surprise, none of them truly materialised. The proposed flooding of my blog with master-pieces, the "cool your heels" picnic to some nearby hill-station with friends, the long, heart-rending talks with family, gala sessions of cricket and football, leisurely evenings, getting wet in the rain, writing some short-stories, none of it. It turned out to be just nothing. Mere existence.

Not that it wasn't enjoyable. I enjoyed thoroughly. I would ask myself, "why am I doing nothing?."

And answer myself too, with a resounding "Because I can".

Yes I did feel aimless and lazy. I did feel I could do better. Help society. Donate blood the day I turned eighteen (a couple of weeks back). Get a voter's Id. Go to a driving class. The many things I had planned.

It did work out eventually. Partially. What prevented a flurry of posts making their way into my blog was not the lack of ideas but an acute lack of willingness to implement the ideas. How much ever I told myself what I wanted to do in the holidays, deep inside all I was intent on doing was nothing. Mental exhaustion was what I figured. Anxiety about the exam, fear of failure, uncertainty about the future. Where would I belong?

And now here I am, remarkably calm despite being further undecided. Teaching poor children who can't afford the best schooling at a nearby NGO. Overcome the temporary allergy to books that was blighting me. Back to my full vigour, and surely it has reached the pinnacle now, garnering enough time, energy and clarity to string together a good long post on my blog. Yes, the writing maybe mediocre. It may have always been. You are the judge, but to me, it is in the ease with which the words flow that I judge my post, not the outcome. That is none of my business.

Vacation is about the freedom of the mind and explosion of thoughts and dream unguided by external factors, not simply long stretches of leisure. Live everyday in your mind like you live a vacation.

I can assure you, my beloved (sparse) readership, that the flow is slowly making it's way back. My spirit has finally overcome the backlog of creativity, the backlog stemming from the excess of logic, reason and analytical thinking requisite for my preparation for the said exams.
And I cannot wait to bring this blog to a higher level of activity.

Until then.
Adios.